(written Thursday May 26th)
There is no easy way to start this post. By now I am am hoping that everyone has heard the sad news first hand, my sincere apologies to anyone who is reading this otherwise.
We found out at our ten week appointment that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. Those are decidedly the saddest words ever written. Upon finding out, Matt and I did exactly what you might expect, we held each other and cried. My mind was a blur of mush as the doctors and nurses explained the next steps. All I wanted to go was go home and hold my Lily. My beautiful, wonderfully funny, affectionate, perfect little girl. And let me tell you, picking her up and squeezing her left me wanting for nothing.
So, I am ok. Today. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Today I am grateful that I have a husband who believes in God and a baby who lights up like the 4th of July when she sees her mama. I have family who love and support me and friends who all offered to come to me should I need them.
I will be ok. I can't speak for Matt, we each have our own coping mechanism, but he will get there along his own path. The hardest part to cope with is not that a baby was taken from us, it's the idea of a baby. The idea of a new baby at Christmas. The idea of a new baby sleeping in our room. It was the idea of a stroller built for two. I am currently taking a lot of comfort in knowing that I can still have all of those things...ok not in time for Christmas, but I can wait. I was not told today that I will never have a new baby, I was told that my new baby is not on the way, yet. The sadness comes and goes. My biggest worry is that other people will be disappointed or sad, a side effect of making this pregnancy so public. But I am working on letting that go. As my dad said, "I have a beautiful healthy daughter, who gave me a beautiful healthy granddaughter. What in the world do I have to be disappointed about?"
So I am going to bed tonight, understandably nervous about tomorrow, but comforted by one singular thought. Lily is enough. Enough of everything wonderful that I could have ever dared to dream about. She is the bananas, the ice cream, the chocolate sauce, the whipped cream, and the freaking cherry on top.
Lily is enough.