Thursday, June 2, 2011


(Written Saturday May 28th)

Every woman is different, as is every pregnancy, as is every loss. I am struggling a little with the guilt of wanting to move on. The last thing I wanted to have to do this morning was seek out a miscarriage support group online. After only a few minutes of reading I realized, that this was not what I need. My whole heart goes out to any women who is devastated by the loss of a pregnancy. Their stories, the raw emotion with which they write, it is heartbreaking. More heartbreak is not what I need. What I need is hope. What I want is to move forward.

Yesterday was a long day. Without going into too much detail here, I will say that I was treated with nothing but kindness at the hospital. The procedure went as planned and the doctor assured me (3 times at my request) that there is no reason to believe that Matt and I will not be able to have more babies. The dream has always been to fill our lives with kids. Yesterday we were told we could keep that dream. 

I have to assume that there are plenty of women who feel the same way I do. Like me, these women do not dare post an a message board, "I had a miscarriage, but I feel ok." Number one, it seems incredibly insensitive to the women who are struggling. And number two, I suspect they feel slightly ashamed to admit to being ok. I know I do. There is no right way to deal with a miscarriage, but it does seem that there are socially acceptable ways to do so. So for today, my struggle is letting go of the guilt, and assuring myself that it is ok to be ok. 

I am sad that I am not pregnant anymore. I am looking forward to trying again. I am scared that we have to face the fact that the path to more babies might mean enduring another miscarriage some day...but if we can have more healthy babies, it will have been worth it. This loss confirms how much of a miracle Lily is, all of the things that could have gone wrong, but didn't. 

Let's pray for more miracles. 

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