The Face of Loss.

Today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

On May 26th 2011, I received the devastating news that I had lost a baby. I had what is called a missed miscarriage, in that I had no symptoms of the loss whatsoever. The baby was due December 19th, a date that will forever be ingrained in my memory.

I wrote two very early posts about my loss and then nothing, radio silence. (Post 1, Post 2)

Looking back on the latter of the two posts I can see the stage of grief I was in, denial. Just days after I posted about wanting to move forward I sought out an online support system in earnest. I joined thebump.com and introduced myself on the miscarriage and pregnancy loss forum. In the weeks and months that followed I became a regular poster, both giving and receiving support on a daily basis. It wasn't a secret and I am not ashamed of it, but for some reason I kept it very separate from my blog. Those forums women saved me and helped in ways I could never repay them. Some of them have become friends to this day and while I wish we had met under different circumstances I feel so blessed just to know them.

Having a miscarriage changed me. I am not attempting to be profound here, just honest. I didn't move forward overnight as my blog would indicate. At times the entire situation was a total nightmare and I would cry just wishing I had never been pregnant at all...and then I would cry some more feeling guilty for wishing my baby had never been alive. I am still working through all of that profound sadness even after all of this time. I still can't believe it actually happened to me. My heart breaks all over again when I hear or read that loss has happened to someone else. The devastating truth is that miscarriage is everywhere and no one is protected against it.

As I type this my beautiful, healthy, and usually very happy, baby boy is fast asleep upstairs. A baby boy that would not be here had it not been for my loss. A baby who fills this entire house with so much love and laughter that I wonder how we ever lived without him. A baby that was so desperately wanted and prayed for that I thank God for him every single day.

A baby so worth all of the heartache that I would endure it all over again just to have a chance at this kind of happiness.

My story has a happily ever after...for which the word gratitude doesn't even scratch the surface.