Recovering

(Written Saturday May 28th)

Every woman is different, as is every pregnancy, as is every loss. I am struggling a little with the guilt of wanting to move on. The last thing I wanted to have to do this morning was seek out a miscarriage support group online. After only a few minutes of reading I realized, that this was not what I need. My whole heart goes out to any women who is devastated by the loss of a pregnancy. Their stories, the raw emotion with which they write, it is heartbreaking. More heartbreak is not what I need. What I need is hope. What I want is to move forward.

Yesterday was a long day. Without going into too much detail here, I will say that I was treated with nothing but kindness at the hospital. The procedure went as planned and the doctor assured me (3 times at my request) that there is no reason to believe that Matt and I will not be able to have more babies. The dream has always been to fill our lives with kids. Yesterday we were told we could keep that dream. 

I have to assume that there are plenty of women who feel the same way I do. Like me, these women do not dare post an a message board, "I had a miscarriage, but I feel ok." Number one, it seems incredibly insensitive to the women who are struggling. And number two, I suspect they feel slightly ashamed to admit to being ok. I know I do. There is no right way to deal with a miscarriage, but it does seem that there are socially acceptable ways to do so. So for today, my struggle is letting go of the guilt, and assuring myself that it is ok to be ok. 

I am sad that I am not pregnant anymore. I am looking forward to trying again. I am scared that we have to face the fact that the path to more babies might mean enduring another miscarriage some day...but if we can have more healthy babies, it will have been worth it. This loss confirms how much of a miracle Lily is, all of the things that could have gone wrong, but didn't. 

Let's pray for more miracles. 

TWO STEPS!

Jenny, these totally count ;)

I didn't get them on video but Matt and I were both here to witness Lily take her first two steps!!

We tried and tried to encourage a few more but she is her own woman, and a stubborn one at that.

I don't know whether to be proud or afraid :)

How I feel about all of this today...

(written Thursday May 26th)

There is no easy way to start this post. By now I am am hoping that everyone has heard the sad news first hand, my sincere apologies to anyone who is reading this otherwise.

We found out at our ten week appointment that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. Those are decidedly the saddest words ever written. Upon finding out, Matt and I did exactly what you might expect, we held each other and cried. My mind was a blur of mush as the doctors and nurses explained the next steps. All I wanted to go was go home and hold my Lily. My beautiful, wonderfully funny, affectionate, perfect little girl. And let me tell you, picking her up and squeezing her left me wanting for nothing.

So, I am ok. Today. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Today I am grateful that I have a husband who believes in God and a baby who lights up like the 4th of July when she sees her mama. I have family who love and support me and friends who all offered to come to me should I need them.

I will be ok. I can't speak for Matt, we each have our own coping mechanism, but he will get there along his own path. The hardest part to cope with is not that a baby was taken from us, it's the idea of a baby. The idea of a new baby at Christmas. The idea of a new baby sleeping in our room. It was the idea of a stroller built for two. I am currently taking a lot of comfort in knowing that I can still have all of those things...ok not in time for Christmas, but I can wait. I was not told today that I will never have a new baby, I was told that my new baby is not on the way, yet. The sadness comes and goes. My biggest worry is that other people will be disappointed or sad, a side effect of making this pregnancy so public. But I am working on letting that go. As my dad said, "I have a beautiful healthy daughter, who gave me a beautiful healthy granddaughter. What in the world do I have to be disappointed about?"

So I am going to bed tonight, understandably nervous about tomorrow, but comforted by one singular thought. Lily is enough. Enough of everything wonderful that I could have ever dared to dream about. She is the bananas, the ice cream, the chocolate sauce, the whipped cream, and the freaking cherry on top.

Lily is enough.

According to Lily

Anything that folds, opens and closes, must be a book. Diapers are therefore books you wear on your butt.